Friday, February 17, 2006


So I get home start cleaning up and getting dinner ready. If I don't cook, I don't eat. I'm not so full of myself that I think my wife should have a hot meal on the table for me every night. Besides, I prefer my cooking. I digress.

Rach comes home with the kids and tells me she is no longer going out with the girls. For a while there I was actually mad that she wasn't going out. I was in a crappy mood and just got busy doing other things. It dawned on me how selfish I was being. I mean, she was excited about spending time with me and my first thought was about how much poker I was going to miss.

I find myself in this juxtaposition now. I really want to improve myself as a poker player. It is something I enjoy tremendously. If I had no responsibility, I would play 24/7 or until I ran out of money. But seriously. I think I have the ability to be very good. I go through periods where I am unconscious...I'm so focused and I can't adjust when things go awry. In that same vein I get so manic and excited then things are going well that I sabotage my good effort with brash unconscious moves.

what's the purpose of this post? More whining and regurgitation... Can I make something constructive out of this? I get so involved in myself I don't reach out, I don't talk. I hide in this quiet construct that I've built for myself. Is that who I am? Is that what I want to be? Everything is so binary for me sometimes....YES or NO.

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