I have vowed to 'shit or get off the pot' in the proverbial sense, but tend to fall back into my all too comfortable routine. Something akin to build, bust, re-buy, I accomplish, lose, reevaluate. On the poker side, I have nothing to reevaluate, I am what I am, but evolving. My main problem, and a theme running through my posts is consistency, and my desire to find some semblance of it.
I have what it takes to be a great player, I think. My shortcomings are in the realm of analytical skills (putting your opponent on a range of hands), bankroll management ( picking the right game and sticking with it), and discipline (not getting lit and playing way above my bankroll).
In my opinion, discipline is the most troublesome, I think it is something very hard to teach or learn...you've got it or not. What I've got is that little devil sitting on my shoulder saying: 'Psst, Brian give it a shot...why not? Someone's got to win right?'
Totally lottery winner type thinking, and I only do that for poker. I've taken a bit of a step back in some respects. At the height of my playing I was online EVERY night, up till 12-4AM most nights, sleep be damned. I've trimmed it down to once or twice a week, but it hasn't resulted in more selective play or better decision making. troubling indeed. I've just got to figure out what makes this game work..I need to strip it down and make it mine, and I keep telling myself I'm getting there, but seeing the same results. Am I doomed to be a break-even player? I keep waiting for a breakthrough that might not be coming.
So on to other things.... I am constantly impressed by the talent of what I reluctantly consider my 'peers'. The quotes are there to emphasize that the word peers implies equals, and I am not equal to these guys.
Otis is a constant source of inspiration, he writes with his heart, and cares not for the consequences. His talent lies in his ability to get it out there in such a readable and easily understood manner. He gets things out in his writing that make you want to hear more, to get inside. It's humbling.
Pauly is so himself it is scary....truly comfortable in his own skin, fully aware, always observing. Luckily for us he is always reporting as well. His latest post struck a bit of a nerve.
"So the next time you get an alumni magazine and you get pissed off that a dumb ass moron that couldn't even jerk off properly who is all of a sudden a real estate mogul in Macau with a modelesque wife and a private jet, remind yourself that none of this matters.
Like David Mamet said in his play Edmond, "No one is keeping score. No one cares."
Actually he's wrong on that. There is someone keeping score and there is someone that cares... and it's you. And unless you let those notions go, you are going to be living your life in a way that's not your own. You'd be living a life that is motivated by getting a blurb in your alumni magazine. In short, that's pathetic.
You cannot read other people's minds, so stop worrying about what other people may or might not think about you. Most of the time we're way off base and if someone thinks you're a loser or asshole... then so what?"
1. Know why you play poker before you play it.
2. Don't live your life to impress your peers."
Thanks for that Pauly. I am keeping score, but my problem is that I need validation as well. I think a lot of people have this issue. They carry it without knowing why, or where to get it. I know I've sought some sort of validation here with mixed results. But when it comes down to it, who the fuck cares? What difference does it make if I am accepted or not? When it comes down to brass tax I am the ultimate judge.
Why am I doing this? Because its fun. Not good enough, I'm not 20 years old I have to hold myself in a higher light.
What am I getting from this? 3 years of throwing money around trying to prove I belong to something. Sad, poor excuse....get something you can put your fingers on or bail..this is a waste of freaking time unless you can do that.
Sorry this is such a long and winding post...I have more, but I'm tired of typing now. Something big is on the horizon for me and I have to go and get it. My problem is that I don't know how to get what I want, it has always come to me.
Also, I've done some housekeeping on the right hand side here and have added some very excellent blogs to it. Please go check these out if you have not yet.