Realization

One thing that I've been happily surprised with since joining the frey of noise deemed poker blogdom is that there are several very smart, dedicated, and (in most cases) good people who willingly fling money into the virtual void and have the balls to tell the world about it.


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I remember distinctly about 4 years ago I first threw caution to the wind and funded a Neteller account to put some money into Party Poker. I did this knowing virtually nothing about holdem. I had played a few times in mixed games and deemed it boring. However, all I had to do was open a money account at PP and I would get a whopping $25 for my troubles. Can't be that hard right? Not much different than slinging cards with my buddies over a couple of beers, right?

After about 4 hours, I was hooked.....and out of money. How did I go through my hundred bucks so quick?? Well, I played 2 $20 tounaments a 10 SNG, sat down at 1/2NL with my remaining money and bled that away. My only thought at this point was that I found something I needed to beat. I've always prided myself of my calm collected head, my emotional detachment from things that were beyond my control, and most of all, the ability to figure shit out.

I was a quiet kid. I never had a ton of friends until late in highschool, outcasts mostly. One thing I did though was construct and destruct. I took things apart. If something was broken, I'd fix it, or at least cannibalize it into something else. My curious but quiet nature kept me out of trouble for the most part, and the first time I tried to rebuild an engine, I vowed would be my last.

As a teenager I aligned myself with the 'new wavers,' the social outcast that somehow became envied and cool. We tried our best to rail against the establishment, being mostly well off white-bread kids. We developed, wrote, and published our own underground newspaper in highschool. We tried to crash the homecoming parade with a godawful 'float' bearing empty Heiniken and Natural Lite beer cases. We nearly got thrown out of school for printing fictional material about our principal and some teachers. On the last day of school we drove onto campus in a blacked out suburban, padlocked the entrances to one of the buildings and drove off into the sunset. Good times good times......ok what was the point....

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I have always had the innate ability to fix things, if I couldn't figure it out, it was broken. This ability has probably gotten me into some situations I didn't need to be in, it has definitely put me in places I'd rather not be. It got me my employment. It has made me make promises I wasn't sure I could fulfill, but always seemed to...sometimes barely.

I've thought about that alot lately as I have begun to pick the claws of poker from by back. For over 2 years it consumed me, and not in a constructive, thought provoking way, but in a hairy monkey one track mind convulsion sort of way.

Most importantly, I discovered a truth about myself. I am an action junkie in a very bad way. I forgo sleep, family obligations, and monetary stipulations for my fix. In short, I'm a donkey, but most of the few of you who read this probably already know that.

The 'good' part of this is that I'm not nearly as much of an idiot as ~%50 of the mouth-breathers who play poker online are. I've never put myself in a financial bind doing this, I at least have some sense regarding this matter. As a matter of fact, my shoddy bookkeeping (neteller transaction logs) tells me I'm breaking even this year......this session helped tremendously.

I am forming a plan in my mind, one that will begin as soon as I figure it out.

The plan will entail the veritable shitting or getting off the pot in regards to my existence as a poker player. I read through my posts here and spotted a theme developing. One that does not look so hot. If you've read this blog I apologize, I can run the gambit from pathetic loser to pretentious prick at the drop of the hat. I strive to detach my heart from this game and to begin to use my head. I strive to support my friends and family, I hope to gain and pass along some knowledge. I vow to become consistent and trustworthy. I plan on looking back on this post and saying "that's when I started." it's an involved and complex plan that will take some hammering out.

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That's where you come in. The something that surprised me when I got to know you. The something I will use to help me become a better player, a better friend, a decent person. You know I'm talking about you because are reading this, and I'm not gonna let you off the hook. I've finally found something I can't fix, can't figure out by myself, and I am going to use you to help me. The best part of this deal is that you don't have to do a thing, you already are and I just haven't bothered to listen. Yeah, there's a bunch of smart, honestly good people out there, some of which you will never be able to look in the eyes, but you can feel their touch nevertheless.


Thanks - Brian